it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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