Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
