my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
