3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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