you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
