I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
