I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
