took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
