i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
