My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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