The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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