She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We have started to decorate penises.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
