this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
