at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
