i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I just sharted jello shots
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
