did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Send help, water and tortillas.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
