It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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