How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
