Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
