Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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