giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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