She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
