Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
