I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
