mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
