It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
