i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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