Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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