i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
