so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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