So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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