Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
