my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
