Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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