Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
