The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
