Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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