He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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