Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
