Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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