I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
