i think i have herpe
just one?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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