On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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