I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My ass is underappreciated
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize