I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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