If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
