Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
