You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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