I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
