Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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