so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
