I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Pants are for mortals
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
