my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
