Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
